With Brexit feeling it was being put into the shade by national going’s on elsewhere, the resignations of David Davis and Boris Johnson ensured the long running drama that is Brexit has re-appeared with a bang.
Yes, Frankie and Grace are leaving the island and Meghan is still an annoying bitch.
True, belief of whether or not Football’s Coming Home has now reached epidemic, stomp and dance on top of emergency vehicles, levels.
But it was BrexitIsland and that weekend retreat of Chequers that would grab the headlines and attentions of the nation, for the start of this week at least.
To her onlooking Twitter followers, Theresa was keen to talk up collective cabinet responsibility and the love-in agreement on a third-way forward for Brexit re-coupling negotiations.
But with many within her own party concerned this vision was not the hot stuff, stating their desire for the UK to be truly single and being able to play the wider field the world can offer.
This led to two leading figures within the cabinet quickly finding themselves with cold feet on what they had agreed to earlier; safe in the knowledge they’d now negotiated their way home via their Ministerial cars rather than use the undignified services of a taxi… or heaven forbid, a bus!
First of those was David, the Brexit Secretary; not to be confused with the other Conservative MP, David Davies, the member for Monmouth and who isn’t the Brexit Secretary, who surprised many by actually going through with a resignation on principle.
He would later be quoted by the BBC as saying the “career-ending” decision was made because he felt the UK was “giving away too much and too easily” something you never want to do in the dating world.
However, many were quick to argue that during his tenor as Brexit Secretary, David had not put in enough grafting with his opposing partner, the EU’s Michel, that four hours was never enough time, that he had simply not done his homework. This was no way to build a meaningful parting relationship they would claim.
But as quickly as the arrival of a new BrexitIslander in the form of Dominic had filled the void left by Davis, Theresa May was to be pied by that peng Eton sort (if you like that sort of thing), Foreign Secretary, Boris.
In confirming his resignation, Boris emotionally told Theresa that his “dream” of a future UK relationship was “dying” and that these were being “suffocated by needless self-doubt.”
Doing her best to conceal any emotion whilst aiming a little dig back at Boris, she would respond by saying she was “sorry – and a little surprised” at Boris decision to part and that she would continue to ‘polish the turd‘ that he had left her and voiced support for at some point that weekend.
In fairness, Theresa was not the first to be played by the conflicted thoughts of Boris, she would just have to ask his previous partner David about that, although there were rumours Boris had already be cavorting with his ex prior to breaking things off with Theresa.
With no fields of wheat to run through, there was only one course of action that Theresa could take to provide that cathartic release; she needed to get back into the game and graft hard.
For a moment, Theresa considered the qualities of a national saviour she had heard of that went by the name Southgate.
If he could figure out how to get the England team to play football, surely resolving something as simple as Brexit could be achieved in as little as 3-months, but were waistcoated men really her type?
Perhaps not she decided, it would be much safer to pay closer to home and so she tried it on with two sorts she was already reasonably familiar with in Jeremy and Matt in promoting them to her inner sanctum of Foreign Secretary and Health Secretary respectively.
Outside thoughts on whether this might prove to be a welcome belated 70th birthday present for the NHS should be put on hold.
Even Theresa had privately thought both men were dicks; one was obsessed with homeopathic medicine, the other appears to have setup his own personal dating app – and both are in love with their own voice.
But Theresa reasoned, perhaps this was what she needed right now when in a position of little choice. And who knows; if the country got to know these two, perhaps they would learn to love her soft Brexit?
That is if the country can resist the allures of ‘The Honourable Member for the 20th Century’ or Moggy as he’s known by his European Research Group crew and his hard brexit.
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